Here are CAREGIVER classifications 6-10. Enjoy!
6. The SILENT PARTNER: You go the doctor and he’s there with you, book in hand. You sit in your therapy session and he’s there, face buried in the book. He’s asked a question by the therapist.
“Yes”. Back to the book.
“He doesn’t talk much” you say, sheepishly grinning, “but he’s great about helping me aren’t you dear?’
‘Yes”. page turns.
“Ok Mrs. Jones, I need you to be able to come see me for treatment 3 days a week for a month.”
“Well, I can’t drive right now. HMMM. Honey, can you,,,”
“ Ok. Great! See you next week. Any questions?”
“ No.” and he’s out the door, reading as he goes.
“He just doesn’t say much around other people, do you dear? (nothing) Dear?”
7. The WARDEN: You have the flu and, being the responsible employee you are, didn’t want to contaminate the office, so you stayed home from work and laid on the couch, channel surfing all day. You fixed something to eat, but were basically a couch potato. Besides the big game is on tonight. The WARDEN comes in and sees you in the living room.
“WHAT are you doing home? YOU AREN’T BEING SICK IN MY LIVING ROOM ARE YOU?”
“Well, uh….”, struggling for some defense. (snort, sniff)
Eyes rolling, lips curling, “Go to your room and come out when you’re better. GEEZ! What did you touch? No, wait. Have you been in our room? No? The guest room! I have to sterilize the whole house now. Transforms before your eyes into the EXTERMINATOR.
You scamper to the guest room, dive into bed, and pull the blanket over your head, whimpering. The door closing behind you, you hear slamming and thumping, vacuuming, sprays of Lysol and NAPALM-olive #12. Then, WHOOOSH! (flamethrower) and the bubbling sounds of remote controls being boiled . The muffled comments don’t quite make it through your door, but you can be pretty sure those aren’t Christmas carols you’re hearing.
You are lying on your back, eyes peeled, scanning the walls of your cell for any light, but this is SOLITARY, after all The only thing you can do to preserve your sanity while in THE HOLE is wait for the second hand to move on the clock. TICK!……… TICK!………. TICK! It never seemed this loud before. Suddenly, the hidden slot in the bedroom door opens. “HUH?” A bucket, a tray with bread and water, and a thermometer are shoved inside. “FOOD!!” SLAM! The slot disappears and the light from the outside world vanishes.
”You feel your way across the blackness. Aha! A thermometer! The Warden is weakening a little. Now to launch my plan”.
After nibbling on your feast, but saving a crust of bread for the trip, you gently slide out of the bed to try and tiptoe to the gameroom upstairs so you catch the last few minutes of the greatest game ever anticipated. This is what drives you to escape.
You cringe and freeze as you hear footsteps running up the stairs and pausing at your door. The slot opens and a flashlight scans the room looking for you. You can’t help but be proud as the light stops at the Alcatraz dummy head and rolled up pillows you hid under the blanket. ‘Those guys were geniuses”. You, on the other hand, are pressed against the door, hanging on a coat hook, legs straddling the opening. Now’s your chance. After a second, the slot closes and you slip a toe in there just in time to keep it from locking. You McGyver a piece of string into a lock pick with your free hand, slide it through the slot with your toes and proceed to pick the lock with Houdini like prowess. After 30 minutes and a bucket full of sweat, “CLICK”. The tumblers fall in place and the cell door opens. You are still hanging on the back of it. “Guess I’ll have to paint over these claw marks”. You ever so slowly sneak into the gameroom, where the WARDEN is sitting in your favorite chair watching the Lifetime channel with a coffee and a night stick. “You in my game room now, Sickie?”
8. The GOOD NURSE: Properly prepared and educated in all things medical, social, and spiritual, the GOOD NURSE knows what to expect, how to treat it, and is realistic regarding the aches and pains of the body, mind, and soul. Doesn’t matter the ailment, the GOOD NURSE can handle it and still keep you functional, even if you do feel like a 3 foot eel is eating your insides.
‘Here, take this. It’ll help. Now go lay down and get some rest”.
Routine temperature checks, cold rags, forehead kisses when appropriate….. all that the “sickie” needs at the moment. An expert at the administration of yucky cough syrup and horse pills, no “sickie” goes without their medicine at the correct time. When the doctor must be seen, the GOOD NURSE has the proper records, prescription bottles and a package of handi-wipes ready for inspection. When the worst is over and it’s time to eat something, a little broth and some Gatorade are all that you need, and when you’re done, it is taken away magically while you sleep. AHHHHHHH!
9. The CHAiN REACTOR: “MOMMY!!!!!!!!!! MOMMY!!!!!!!!!” at 3:43 am. You run into the nursery to find the baby and big sister covered head to toe in, well, you know what, crying and sweaty and generally disgusting. “Oh MY!!!!! (gag) as you pick up Susie, the big sister, who is burning up, and hold her at arm’s length. “Charles!!” Here it comes. BLECCCCCHHHH all down your front. Your face turns inside out as you try not to breathe. “ Charles!!!!!” you gasp on the inhale. Your turn. BLECCCHHH. “UGH! CHARLES!!!!!!!!! Then a simultaneous BLECCCCCHHHH from you and big sister.
“COME HERE!!!!!!” The baby suddenly stops crying. She looks at you and smiles, then ……. Splat. “Are you kidding me?” You can’t believe it as you look down at her diaper, then BLECCCHHHHH. Charles finally stumbles in, half asleep, “What is it? Something wrong? Oh No!” (BLECCCHHHH, BLECCCHHH), falling helplessly against the wall, covering his face and rolling into a ball.
“Charles, I need you to wash off the baby”.
“Wash the baby, Charles.”
“I can’t do it“(Blecccchhhh)
“You have to!!!! I have to take care of Susie (BLECCCHHH, SPLAT SPLAT). “Oh Lord, help us! (gag). You go to the little bathroom and I’ll use the master “(BLECCCCHHHH). You turn to go.
Now the baby starts. BLECCCCHHH , SPLAT SPLAT.
Charles crawls 6 inches and makes a face. ‘UH-OH”…… SPLAT. Eyes roll back in his head and he melts into the floor……quivering like a jello carpet.
The baby crawls over to him (BLECCCCHH).
You walk away, holding Susie the slimy squid as far away from you as possible, but this time she is facing away from you, decorating as you walk. BLECCCHHHH. Squish, BLECCCHHHH, squish.
“GET MOVING CHARLES!”
BLECCCCHHHH from the other room.
‘Da Da” the baby giggles. SPLAT.
10. The WITCH DOCTOR: You have a list of NON-COMPLIANT patients (see last post re; SICKIES), for whom you dispense wisdom and all known home remedies. Chicken soup on tap and a giant pile of crackers to calm that stomach. Stinkweed poultices, Lizard wraps, Windex (see MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING), and a little Castor Oil are usually all it takes. After all, none of your patients have ever come back so you MUST have a 100% cure rate.
“Emu Oil, Honey, and certain delectible grasses are all in nature’s pharmacy, so why not use them? In fact, there is no illness of any type on the island of Mini-choo-choo, way out in the middle of the ocean, and this is what they use, or so I’ve read.”
Probably nothing to do with the fact that the entire Mini-Choo Choo population consists of only 12 people who have never seen an outsider and have never been exposed to a germ, much less MRSA or the flu. The germs on a 4 year old’s booger could wipe them out in an hour. In fact, only NASA scientists have ever actually seen the satellite photos and aren’t sure they really exist. This fact is mentioned by the NON-COMPLIANT , becoming a little suspicious of the aromas present in your tent.
‘Oh yeah, they’re real. My Uncle Spud went there back in WW II and he brought me back these recipes. I had to study a long time to learn Mini-choo-choo-ese to re-create them”.
“You mean YOU had to re-create them yourself. These aren’t the real recipes? “
“Well no, I mean that’s a tough language to learn, you know. I did the best I could, but I tell ya, this stuff works!”
“Here, hold this rat while I grab some frog droppings.”