SICKIES- part 2

If you read part one of SICKIES, you are waiting to find out the rest of the story. If not, go back and read it! Here are SICKIE classifications 6-10
6. The HYPOCHONDRIAC:  “Did you see this red bump on my nose? It came up this morning.  I think it might be cancer. You know, Jane had cancer on her nose. Did you see it? Look.  It wasn’t there yesterday. OH NO!!!! Cancer? No!!”

“It’s a zit”.

“No, no, I don’t think so. Maybe it’s not cancer, but it’s bad, isn’t it? Maybe I need    some antibiotics.  I think it’s infected. Does it look infected to you? Ouch it’s sore. Does it look sore?”

“It’s a zit”.

“You think so? I don’t.  I think it could be something bad. It just doesn’t look right. I have to see Dr. Smith right away! Think he can see me before lunch? Oh I hope it’s not melanoma. You know, Jane had melanoma and they had to do this big surgery and oh it was just horrible and I just can’t do that because you know I don’t do well with anesthesia and what if they had to cut off my nose? OH!!!!! Cancer?“.

“it’s a stinkin zit! Would you try and squeeze it for cryin’ out loud?”

“Oh! HAHAHA! Well, what do you know? it IS a zit! Whew! Well, that was close wasn’t it?

“No”

“HMMMM. What’s this? Does this look infected to you?”

7.  The PESSIMIST : “Just come and take me home, Lord. I’m ready.”

“You have a cold”

“Yeah that’s what he said, but I can feel it’s different this time.  You know, they never really tell you when you’re gonna die.”

“You are NOT gonna die. Stop it.”

“I might. How do you know? I could die right here. These medicines he gave me could kill me”

‘WHAT?”

“That’s right. I could have an allergic reaction or I could choke on this horse pill they gave me. Look how big that thing is! Choke right here in the car and DIE!  What if the medicines are wrong?  They ALWAYS get things wrong there . They don’t care. Don’t know why we had to go there. Why didn’t we go to the other one?  Stupid pharmacy and doctors. Just out for money. I pay good money for those medicines. Why? So they can kill me when I’m not lookin? I’ll show ‘em. I’m not even gonna take ‘em. Tryin’ to kill me. I’ll show ‘em.

“Are you done?

“Lord, just take me home.  Why are you drivin’ so slow? Can’t you go any faster? Slow down! Tryin to kill me?”

8. The PERFECT PATIENT:  What we should all hope to be. You hear the information the doctor says and believe it. ALL OF IT.  You take your medicine as it is prescribed, UNTIL IT IS ALL GONE.  You sleep 8 hours a night, brush and floss between meals AND after snacks, drink plenty of fluids, keep your feet up, exercise daily,  watch your salt intake, and return for the follow-up visit in 2 weeks, even though you feel fine now.  You adore your doctor and know he can do no wrong. You have his picture hanging over your fireplace with candles around it. (A true stalker’s shrine, with newspaper clippings and everything). You even bring him healthy treats on holidays.  But something happens to the doctor when the perfect patient gets sick. He becomes a quack who knows nothing.  “Well look at me now.  The FLU? AFTER ALL I HAVE DONE FOR HIM!”

9. The RADAR: You just had the first cough and sniffle of the season, but you follow the latest trends on Twitter and Facebook. You KNOW that the next flu pandemic is just around the corner because Dr. Bob@tweet.com said so 4 minutes ago and your cousin’s best friend’s hairdresser had the flu last week and now the ENTIRE TOWN is sick. WebMD is your home page and speed dial #1 on your smart phone. You ask Mayo Clinic to send you texts with latest health news. You have lunch quarterly with the surgeon general just to share your ideas with him.  You bought all the Theraflu, Robitussin, and cough drops from your local CVS and Walgreens, and just to be sure, have a cabinet full of all the home remedies and supplements reported to prevent the flu. SWINE FLU, BIRD FLU, SPANISH FLU, MYSTERY FLU. Doesn’t matter. You will be ready when the end comes because you are on top of the latest and greatest.  Your kids are protected, injected, connected, and self-directed and will never be more than 5 minutes from a bottle of hand sanitizer, healthy snack, or syringe of penicillin.

10. The NON-COMPLIANT PATIENT:  You don’t listen to doctors. You can be sick and dying from an infected hair.  Mayo Clinic and Johns Hopkins have both seen you and recommended that all you have to do is pull it out, but you won’t do it.

“I’ll put some salve  on it.”

Nevermind that it tripled in size after you first applied that poultice of mustard greens, frog droppings, and hog jowls.

“They used this all the time back when I was a kid. Had to catch our own frogs back then. Took weeks to get enough droppings, though. Boy, those were the days. None of these fancy frog factories like they have today.  Had to work for it!“

The cardiologist says take an aspirin once a day or your heart will literally explode, but you won’t do it. “Too busy. .what’s an aspirin gonna do anyway? Only costs a nickel. Need some real medicine if it’s a real problem.  Stupid idea.”

You know more than anyone else and when you finally do go to the doctor……..

“It’s just a waste of my time. I have things to do! Besides, I’m not doin that bad”, as you hobble into the tent of the local Witch Doctor, who fixed up your Uncle Spud back in the day with some ground up toadstools and spit, so he must really know his stuff.  Your leg is swelled up the size of Texas and so sore you can’t wear pants, which made for an interesting stop at Wal –Mart on the way, since you just couldn’t wait to stop and get some fishhooks and vienna sausages for later.  The witch doctor examines you, shakes a rattle, kills a rat, “here hold this”,  and puts another feather in your hair, then says   “Well, Mr. Smith, looks like you have an infected hair. Very complicated. We could try some more hog jowls and add some lizard scales, maybe some pig tails, or I guess I could just pull it you big dummy!”

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