If you have not read Conflict –part 1, go back and read it. Please. I mean, only if want to. You don’t have to. Just a suggestion.
You know, they say the couples who argue the most intensely have the best love lives because they are passionate people. I don’t understand this concept. I can guarantee that arguing is NOT one of my love languages and doesn’t do anything to light my fire. In fact, I am almost certain that I have never felt particularly aroused after arguing. I usually feel , oh, I don’t know…… What? Oh yes, Angry! Along with exhausted and ready for bed way before I get to go there, because I am a terrible fighter. It’s not my personality to fight and argue. I am a conflict avoider. So, sue me. I am.
No, wait. Please don’t sue me. Can we avoid that somehow?
If you are like me, you will go to most any stretch to avoid an argument and keep the peace. That may include agreeing to things you don’t want to, saying ” yes, dear” and “mmm-hmmm” a lot, and avoiding volatile subjects even though they need to be discussed.
“Oh, can’t we discuss the eviction notice later?”
Or even starting to argue just to appease your partner, who is a world-class litigator and has debates over lunch regarding the existence of life on earth, and then say ‘That’s it. I HAVE HAD IT!” and storm out, hoping you can stay gone long enough for things to cool down……….then come back to your nice calm world.
But does that work out the way you though it would? Is your better half calm and relaxed when you come back? NOOOOOOO! “Why not?”, you may ask. Because now “THE DISCUSSION” has been delayed another hour, allowing the litigator to perfect the combined opening statement and pronouncement of sentence…..
“Ladies and gentleman of the jury, the offender standing in front of you is guilty of being guilty and will not be going to bed till this is resolved The prosecution rests.”.
When you come back home, there are now two arguments because
1. you left when the fight was just getting good
2. “we never finished the original discussion, so just sit down right there Mr./Mrs. “I’ve had it” and let me tell you what you think”.
“Yes dear. MMM-HMM.”
Many people have mastered the art of argument and use it to spice up their relationship and keep it interesting. Ever listen to an elderly couple married for 60 years? They might bicker for hours, but it’s just the way they are. They have been married since dirt was a new idea, after all, and they still snip back and forth, but it doesn’t mean anything. In fact, if they AREN’T arguing, something is wrong. They can argue all day, then it’s “What do you want for supper?” followed by a kiss on the head and holding hands on the porch. I don’t understand it but I hope to one day.
Some people thrive on conflict and will create a crisis or argument if things are going too well in their lives just so they can fight about something to break the monotony. Other people don’t even know why they are fighting but are so used to it, they are afraid to stop because they won’t have anything to talk about. And of course, some fight just so they can make up. You probably know a couple who likes to fight and snap and argue one minute, then are all touchy feely right afterwards. Might even have to get a room because they are so worked up. To each his own.
What I think is the saddest, though is when you can’t stop arguing with yourself. Really? I mean I can understand a major internal conflict where you debate the right choice to make.
“Should I report my best friend who is stealing from the office? I mean it will cost me the friendship, but he’s ruining the company!”
“Do I invest in this mutual fund or that one? My kids will need that money for college.”
“ Should I refinance the house now or wait until it drops another .075 points? “,
“Mc Donalds or Wendy’s?” “Pepperoni or sausage?” “Paper or plastic?” “ The pressure! What do I do?!!!! “
You must really like to fight if you argue with yourself all the time. Or maybe you have no other hobbies and are really bored. Or…… you might need to see someone about the voices in your head. What’s the point of arguing when there is not even another person there making you have the argument? Give yourself a break! If you are so tightly wound that you can’t decide between Charmin and Quilted Northern because they are both the same price and “Doggone it, they are both so soft”, you got issues, my friend. Big issues .
Why can’t we all just get along?
“I can. You can’t”.
“He’s touching me!”
See what I mean? Here is another conflict avoidance strategy.
Take a deep breath……keep holding it……..hold it……..keep it up……… hold it…..…..more…..….hold it…….a little more….. Did you pass out yet?