CABLE & INTERNET….. “SERVICE?”

I know I’m not the only one. At least I hope not.  Please tell me someone else has been stuck in an apartment ,  unable to go anywhere, and the  internet or the cable isn’t working……again…..for the fourth time this week…… eighth time this month……… and it’s just the 19thth.   But who’s counting?

Does your scenario sound like mine?

You call your friends Mabel and Harvey, who live around the corner and have a full service cable and internet operation out of their basement.

“Hey Bagman! How are the kids? Problems? Be right there….10-15 minutes ok?”

Me either. Here is what I usually get.

You call the “service- provider”………. again.

Short break here.  That “s-word” really is a misnomer isn’t it? There is no cable or internet SERVICE at this very moment, plus, they aren’t PROVIDING any SERVICE by talking to you on the phone because they can NEVER do anything for you….…..from Malaysia.

1. “As I understand it the problem is that the cable and Internet are not working. Is that correct?

2. Yes.

3.  I am very sorry the cable and internet are not working. Let me see if I can do somethingfrom this end to get the cable and Internet working. Would you like me to see if I can get the cable and Internet working from my end….Sir?

4. “PLEASE. Just stop repeating yourself.”

5. ”The signal is just fine on our end…… Sir.  It must be on your end…….Sir”

6. “ No kidding”.

7. “Sir……Is the light on your box solid or blinking……Sir?”

8. “Blinking” (hopeful anticipation)

9. “Uh-Oh. That’s not good…….. Sir. Please make sure the cables are secure and the unit is plugged in”.

10. “ Check.”

11. “Check what Sir?

12. “It’s plugged in.”

13.  “It’s plugged in Sir?  Good.  Now unplug it”.

14. “HMMMM.”

15. “Now, plug it back in. You should receive a message shortly that indicates …….”

It’s really just prolonged punishment designed to make you grateful they aren’t actually in your home, talking….repeating….talking.  If you are lucky, they may offer to send a “service-tech”….. “SERVICE” means they can guarantee someone to be there in 3 whole business days.  Of course, today is Friday of a holiday weekend, BUT WHO’S COUNTING!? The “tech” portion usually consists of unplugging and plugging then replacing the box, then the cable, then the box again before calling for backup)

16. “Sorry, Sir. Jim Bob’s my supervisor and I think he’ll have to walk you through it on the phone”

17. GRRRRRRRR.

18. After navigating the endless menus that don’t understand your speech patterns, can’t  “hear” which tones you entered, and direct you to the incorrect automated message…..again, you FINALLY hear that you will be “connected to the next available representative………JimBob”

19. “Whew. Now I can get some “REAL” help. Sure am glad these service people are available.”

20. “ Your call is important to us, please wait. MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC…..cheesy commercial for their product, which “has the #1 patient satisfaction in the industry”.

21. “Yeah I bet.  Hate to see who’s second place”

22.  MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC (pause…beep beep.. pause….MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC)

23. CLICK…………… Dial tone.

24. “AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!” Looks to the heavens hoping for guidance……….Nope.  “RASSIN FRASSSIN! STINKIN BLINKIN! CHEESE AND RICE! FUZZY TRUCKERS!”

25. “OOPS. Sorry kids. Daddy’s just mad. No, honey. Don’t cry…….NO.….. DON’T TELL MOMMY!”

26. You rapidly redial the number to the institution with the industry’s #1 RASSIN FRASSIN rating.

27. Repeat steps 1-5.

28.  “Unfortunately you have called during a high volume time.  Your approximate wait time is 4 days. We close in 3 minutes.  Please call back during normal business hours. Would you like us to send out a “service” representative? If so, press 1.  I’m sorry I didn’t hear that. Goodbye.”

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