Goodbye Mr. Sniffles

You’ve heard of people doing super-human feats in times of crisis, like picking up a car that traps someone underneath it, or jumping 12 feet to the top of a picnic table while carrying a child in a stroller when encountering a venomous snake.  Those acts are certainly impressive and are heroic in nature. Occasionally, though, we encounter someone with the opposite skills.  They have the stupid-human ability to push you over the edge when you’ve had a really bad day.

For example, today your dog died. He was your best buddy, Mr. Sniffles, the dog with the runny nose that you owned since you and he were both pups. You had runny noses all the time as a kid, which is why your Mom named him after you.  He kept your feet warm, fetched balls until you were tired, and loved you unconditionally.  You broke off relationships because he didn’t approve. He was THAT kind of dog.

Well, today Mr. Sniffles went away but…….(tears) you couldn’t go with him this time. It’s “ Goodbye,  (sniff) Mr. Sniffles, I  have to go to work. I’ll miss you my friend”.

You stumble to the car and turn on the radio. His favorite song is on, “Loving Every Minute Of It”. You bawl all the way to the office, barely navigating rush hour traffic. You stumble on blurry steps as tears stream down your face.  Each door you have to open requires your ID badge, which has a picture of you and (sniff, tears) Mr. Sniffles (snort) on it, so you’ re a wreck with each door you open getting to your cubby. You gaze at his picture on our desk. It’s pretty clear………you are upset.  Most of your co-workers know what happened by lunch and offer their condolences, comforting you.

Then HE shows up.

“Hey! How’s it going? See that game last night? Boy they really blew it…….”

“No…..I  didn’t see it” (shuffling papers, drying eyes with tissue)

“DIDN’T SEE IT? GEEZ! Were you in a cave? Everyone watched it! You wouldn’t believe how bad they blew it. You see…..”

“I didn’t see it. I was up late with my dog…………”

“Uh Huh. Too bad you missed it. What’s going on?

“….who died and….”

“ Uh Huh. Yep. That’s good. Me too. Hate that. Yep.  What? Oh yeah”

“Not to be rude,  (tearing up) but my dog just died and I’m not doing very well right now. Can we do this later?”

“……couldn’t believe it. Johnson missed the last layup and then Smith took the shot and missed a 30 foot jumper. It was horrible! Unbelievable! Can’t believe you didn’t watch it.”

“Did you hear me?”

“Yeah, you missed the game.”

“No, I said my dog died. Did you not hear me?”

“Oh. Dog, huh? Gonna go to the game tonight? I was wondering if I could use your tickets. I’ve got this hot date and….. are you crying? Geez, it’s only a dog.”

You jump up, tears streaming down your face, and in one smooth motion grab this insensitive clown by the throat and pin him against the wall at arm’s length like Darth Vader squeezing the life out of a disobedient officer.  Those nearby pause to watch..…eagerly. They’ve been waiting for something like this all year. You’ll figure out what to do with the body later. 

The voice of James Earl Jones inhabits your body. “Mr. Sniffles was my best friend for 15 years. (Darth Vader breathing)  He was there for me when nobody else was.  (breathing) He was always glad to see me. All I ever had to do was pet him! (more breathing) You wouldn’t understand that, would you smart guy? (squeezing tighter, his eyes bulging) , because nobody EVER wants to see you! Everybody hates you. Did you know that? (breathing, evil laugh) They have to wash themselves every time they see you because you’re such a slimeball. And you know what? (crying again) Mr. Sniffles didn’t like you either! So now I’m going to kill you”. Raising up your light saber “ For you… Mr Sniffles!”

(Ok, that was in your mind)

You look up from your desk, eyes wet, and say.” I think I need some alone time right now, do you mind?”

“Mind what?”

“Would you leave me alone please?

“Oh sure “ (sarcastically). “Geez what’s your problem? It’s only a dog.  WHOA! Hey ok! I’m going. I’m going”

‘GO!” you yell, putting down the hammer and stapler you apparently picked up and were waving wildly over your head as you were climbing over the desk to attack the intruder. At least that’s what the security cameras showed. You really don’t recall.

As they strap you in  the chair, you smile, thinking of Mr. Sniffles…….clenched onto the backside of Mr.Stupid-Human,  (music starts) and loving every minute of it.


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