Ever since I can recall I have liked good bath towels: warm, fuzzy, absorbent. There is just something special as a kid about wrapping yourself in a towel right out of the tub, drying off and feeling so fresh and clean. It still feels nice. Good towels are so soft and cottony, like a giant sponge. Of course at my size, I like beach towels. This is a nice soft cotton bath towel. Notice the glow of awesomeness? In general your better towels glow because they are so amazing. A word of caution, though. Avoid glowing towels from 3 Mile Island or other nuclear meltdown sites.
This is NOT a nice fluffy bath towel. Notice how he looks somewhat mangy?
Plus, he doesn’t GLOW! DUH! Big clue right there! The only glowing bison or buffalo I know of are the fabled White Buffalo of Indian legend and the less well known Chernobyl bison. They are increasingly rare, and their multiple heads make it hard to sneak up on them. It’s a chore, for sure. Naturally, there are no pictures of them. What do you mean why not? Cameras and radiation suits? Like I can press the button with those big gloves. Some people I swear.
Back to the story. I visited Yellowstone in 2010 but those sneaky park rangers never mentioned they were getting into the bath towel business, so you can imagine my surprise when I got this towel. The picture doesn’t show it well, but it is chocolate brown, EXACTLY the same color and fullness as the thick fur on the shoulders of the bison shown above. More on that later.
The reason I bring this up is that I was saving these new towels for when I move to my new place. They were a gift and looked much more plush than the Black & Decker 60 grit sandpaper towels I bought at Family Dollar, the place for all things luxurious. I got them because all my female friends say I should exfoliate. These looked and felt appropriate since they are part sandpaper, after all.They also say I should use lotion. Please. Sandpaper is manly and good for callouses, hair removal, and dry skin, but lotion? Yeah, right. Anyway, being a man, I ran out of towels that smelled clean enough to use. You know us guys. We go by smell, not by look. So I broke out the new chocolate colored towels. “Aah! Soft and cuddly.” By the way, a question for you laundry afficionados. If it’s a brown towel, how can you tell if it’s dirty? HMMMM.
I got out of the shower, dried off with my new fluffy towel and looked in the mirror. “What the….? Room…. spinning. Floor…..coming……fast…..ouch!”.
Oh! Did I mention that most of my hair is gray?
Once I woke up and quit trembling in fear, I peeked again. Remember that 1950’s horror classic: “Grecian Formula meets the Zebra People”? There were streaks of chocolate brown all over me. I was thrilled! I looked so much younger, even if I was Zebra Boy. “But why are there brown worms on my face? And my neck! They’re everywhere! AAAAAHH!!!!!!” It was like one of those other horror movies where the worms are….Oh, nevermind.
Upon closer inspection, my hair had not changed, regrettably, and they weren’t worms. They were strands from this new towel and they were everywhere! Apparently, my towel was not made of cotton, but dissolvable mangy buffalo mane. Does this puzzle anyone else? Buffalo live in the weather. The entire purpose of this thick fur is to keep them warm and protect them from the elements. I must have missed the documentary about the unfortunate bald bison whose hair melted off when they got wet, but apparently the towel companies jumped right on it. From what I hear, the Yellowstone park rangers prowl around after hours and pick the fur right off the ground, weaving the towels in secret caves on dark nights. In the off season, the really brave ones tackle the bison and pluck them. Once.
I am so glad they did because I didn’t know I needed a towel adventure. Lucky me. I thought “After a couple of uses this will wear off”, so I used it a few more times. Wrong. Zebra boy all over again. “Maybe it’s just this one?” Wrong. I got a whole herd of shedding towels. I finally washed them. They were new after all. “Maybe the strands will come off in the wash?” Come off?!!!! It was a stampede! The towel is now the size of a dishrag. I didn’t think to take pictures of the washer before I cleaned it but I should have. I could have re-covered a baby buffalo. Move over Bosley Hair replacement. Bagman’s Balding Bison Rebuilders is here!
I dried the towels and thought the lint filter would catch any more strands that might appear. Fooled me again. Apparently buffalo strands are too heavy to turn into lint. I scooped out the pile in the bottom of the dryer but they hit the floor before I could put them in the trash. Who knew buffalo mange was so tough to get up? Here is the floor before AND AFTER I vacuumed with our standard Hoover upright vacuum. Pitiful. After calling the Shedding Bison 24 hour hotline, the towel division is extension 4 by the way, they recommended using a shop vac. You know, those devices that can suck nails, sawdust, woodchips, and water all at the same time and not even breathe hard. A shop vac can suck a ping pong ball through a solid block of concrete if you are give it enough time, so it did the trick. The landlord shouldn’t even notice the holes in the carpet with that rug there.
I was so impressed with the shop vac, I decided to use it to get the rest of the strands off of me. Let me first tell my mom that I’m ok now. While it started off well, it got a little, shall we say, “tricky” later. The doctor says now that the bleeding has stopped, most of my skin should grow back soon. That will be nice. Until then I’ll just wrap my wounds with the new Shedding Bison dissolvable bandages. Extension 7 if you need it. .