My Roommates, the Nerdy Sheep

Let me start off by saying I am a man and “messy” is not a foreign concept to me. I worked as a plumber’s helper, spent ages in smelly locker rooms, lived all 4 years in a college dorm, raised two boys, and love to hunt and fish. I have been baptized by dirt and grime and to be honest, I kind of like it. However, I was raised by a mother who taught me how to clean and I was married for 24 years. I know how to clean a house to within an inch if it’s life. Not that I did it very often, but I do know how.
Its funny how life pays you back isn’t it? I now share a condo with 2 male roommates, both of whom are very nerdy, single, (hard to imagine) scientists who could easily star on the TV show ‘Big Bang Theory”, except they aren’t funny and they aren;t nearly as cool as those guys. What surprises me, though, is that as intellectual as they are, they were apparently raised by sheep, one of the dumbest and nastiest animals on the planet.
I guess I can’t blame them, really. Have you ever seen or smelled a corral full of sheep? SheepYuk! You just think they’re cute and fluffy at the petting zoo. They aren’t, especially the ones that grow to be scientists and live with me. I am trying to understand them. As free ranging sheep out in the pastures, cleaning up after themselves probably wasn’t encouraged. After all, sheep are terrified of running water. They’ll drown if they fall in. Guess that explains the water on the countertop and bathroom floor every day. They also get sheared, not bathed. That explains even more. Plus, they probably had a shepherd to shoo away the flies. Wish we did.
Oh wait! I guess they think that’s me.  I wonder if I can teach them?  I am older and wiser,Shepherd Bagman after all. Plus, I have a bathrobe and a cane. Maybe if I look and act like a shepherd I can finally get through to them. I mean it’s only been 5 months. (Imagine me standing proudly in a robe, holding my cane, teaching…..sheep?).
Me: “Lesson #1. You know when the stove gets dirty after frying things? You clean it.”  Sheep 1: “Baah” chew, chew, chew. Sheep 2: “Baah?……..Baah Baah” chew… “burp”.

Me: “Lesson # 2. When the carpet needs to be vacuumed and the lint gets really thick? You vacuum it.” Sheep 1:  “Baah  Baah” chew chew  Sheep 2:  chew chew, frown…… “burp”

Me: “Lesson #3. When I can smell your turtle aquarium from the other room, YOU NEED TO CLEAN IT. ” Sheep 1:  “Baah?”          Me: “Yes, you.” Sheep 2: Grins (don’t make me say it) “Sheepishly”
Me: “# Lesson 4. When you take a shower……”  Both: “BAAH!! BAAHH!! BAAH!!” running in terror.  Me: “Oh, never mind. Sorry. Forgot about that fear of water thing.”

Me:  “Finally, #5. When the trash can overflows, don’t expect Mr. Clean or the Fairy Pine Sol lady to arrive magically and clean up after you.  Take it out. THEN!” Sheep 1: Silence.  Bewilderment. Chew, chew.  Sheep 2: Indignant.  “Baah!”. Turns, drops the trash on the floor. Walks away.

I raise my cane but stop myself from bashing him with it.
“You know” I think to myself, “A real shepherd will break a sheep’s leg to keep it from straying. HMMM. Come here, sheep. I think you have something on that leg. Hold still Light at the end of the tunnelnow…..”
There is a light at the end of the tunnel, however. I get to move to my new apartment in two weeks. There will be NO ROOMMATES. Especially nerdy, nasty sheep. I can’t wait!

6 thoughts on “My Roommates, the Nerdy Sheep

    • As much as I hate to discontinue the shepherding tradition, I fear there will be 2 badly limping sheep if I don’t move on and let them wallow. If I don’t they might actually become scuba sheep, which would really not be pretty. Thanks for the comment.

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