If you read my last post about my encounter with a genie, (Sam Elliot), you know I was headed to jail at the end. If you haven’t, then I guess I gave away the ending didn’t I? Please read it so you will be up to speed.
“So, Bagman, tell me again. This genie appeared and told you that you had a wish. What did you wish for?”
“I told you already, officer. I told him I wanted a new apartment and he granted it”.
“How do you know he granted it? Did an apartment drop from the sky?”
“Noooo. Like I said, I received a call from the people at the apartment immediately after he granted it. I am supposed to move in this weekend.”
“Uh Huh.” And you expect me to believe that?”
“I tell you it’s the truth. Let me tell you why I need a new aprtment and you tell me if you believe me afterwards.”
“I live with two roommates. These guys seem to enjoy isolationism, the scent of overflowing trash, and entertaining themselves watching the the nightly Dance of the Roaches (except for those that stick to the floor). I also think they like making my blood pressure increase over their inability to clean a counter, floor, or bathtub. I mean they are nice guys and not personally dirty, as in smelly B.O., but they have a general lack of appreciation for a clean kitchen and bathroom. I have been there for 6 months and asked repeatedly for them to change, but I finally gave up asking 3 months ago. It’s awful”.
“Sounds like they might have driven you……. CRAZY?” (anxious hinting gestures and facial expression, followed by dissapointment and boredom when I don’t take the bait.
“You have no idea! I think they are breeding bugs for pets. The bad thing is that you can never catch them doing anything. I wasn’t really convinced they exist, except for the trail of disaster that follows them.
“So you are paranoid about them trying to get you somehow?” (again hints followed by frustration)
“Oh I know they are out to get me with the nastiness and bugs. You know (looking around and lowers voice to whisper) Three typical scenarois exist in my apartment.”
Officer leans in “Really? Tell me more”.
“First, I come home and see that someone is cooking in the kitchen but nobody is there to monitor it. I know it can’t be aliens since there is usually a sticky mess left on the counter next to the stove, or on the floor. Aliens are notoriously clean. I mean really, have you ever seen a dissheveled alien? PLEASE! On the Planet Qwerk they were soooo clean! It was like Switzerland it was so clean! Oops, that’s another story and I really shouldn’t talk about it. Sorry. So most nights I go to my room and take care of my business, rarely exiting again other than quick trips to the potty or to do laundry. I try not to keep food in that kitchen.”
“Ok, I can see where that would bother you, especially since you prefer your alien buddies. But why this crazy story about the genie being Sam Elliot the actor.?
“SHHHH. He doesn’t like them either but he is too nice to say anything. Ooh. Did you see that? He just smiled at me. (small wave to the ceiling, grinning) “Beef, dinner. Good one Sam.”
“Ooooooh K. Anything else?”
“Well yeah. Sometimes when I am already home, the voices tell me stay in my room since they get grossed out by the trash or the one sheep’s inability to lower the toliet seat since he won’t clean the bowl. Or it could be the apparent malfunctioning of the dishwasher, which worked fine the last time I loaded it. But you know, the dishwasher must not let anyone but me load it since it is always full. Does yours do that? And you know what? When I do go outside to get something, I see a sheep peering from behind the door, watching to see what I am doing. Then they close the door suddenly. I think they laugh at me. Baah. Baah. Baah. So irritating!”
“Sheep? You have sheep in your apartment? What was that about voices?”
“You have sheep in an apartment building? With voices?”
“Sometimes when I am coming home I see one of them scurrying off to their room. Occasionally we speak in passing, but the door closes quickly. Once I am in my room, I may hear their door open and may even smell food cooking, but I don’t dare go see what it is.
“Ok. Wait. You have sheep who are able to cook and speak? That’s awesome!”
Yeah but they don’t clean, which is so gross. Now do you see why I have to get out? I am SO excited now! I have less than a week to go!!!! (jumping up but quickly restrained by the guards)
“Yeah. And why is that?”
“Sam Elliot told me so.”
“Now, can I make that phone call officer?”
“Let me make one first.”