It is with my tongue planted firmly in my cheek that I shed a tear (artificially applied I promise) having moved this weekend from my apartment and my roommates, the Nerdy Sheep. If you have read my blog, you know that I have been living in a 3 bedroom condo for the past 6 months, sharing it with 2 less than clean individuals who are brilliant, but were raised by sheep, some of the dumbest and nastiest animals on the planet. Well, I finally
escaped moved to another place that is, how should I say it?
Hmmmm……..CLEAN!!!!!! CLEAN!!!!!! CLEAN!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! (picture me dancing, jumping, spinning in ecstasy, real tears of joy streaming my down my bag covered face. Paper beginning to pucker. Ok. That’s good, pant pant, huff, puff).
It’s clean I tell you. No bugs! No sticky floor! No trash left on the countertop! No dirty bathroom , despite multiple requests to clean it! And you know what’s even better? If it’s dirty, I did it! I don’t have to ask who did it. I don’t have to figure it out. Unless Sam the Genie or some renegade turtles hitched a ride in my suitcase to escape the mess, (which should tell you something) I did it! I think that will be a good thing unless I turn out to be of those people who sleepwalks and does things unknowingly. You have heard of sleepwalking and sleep eating? What If I am a “Sleep-Messer”? That could really be bad. Might explain alot about my dorm room, though.
You know what else? It’s ONLY ME!!!!!!!! I don’t have to deal with roommates anymore. YES!!!!!!! I can listen to what I want, watch what I want, eat what I want, when I want and without fear of begin attacked by a team of hungry bugs that have been hiding under my roomies pile of trash! It’s not like we saw each other all that much. Most of the time they kept to themselves, however awkward. For example, I was moving in and out of the apartment all day. Sheep # 2, the nerdiest, never once came out of the room to ask if I needed any help. When he finally came out, he walked right past me, put something in the microwave, and went back to his room. When it buzzed, he walked right past me and my moving stuff with just a “Hi”, got his food, and went back to his room and closed the door. NERDY SHEEP! GRRRR. Never even offered to help, hold a door, or anything. At least sheep #1 offered help me move earlier in the month. Of course he was gone the day of the move, but at least he offered.
Oh well. At least I don’t need to worry about them and their general level of nastiness (Shudder) anymore. Now, I know there are those of you out there who feel badly for the nerdy sheep. “Who will take care of them? Poor critters? Poor nasty stupid animals? They might drown in the toilet.”
” I wish.”
Oh sorry, did they come out of my mouth for real? Shame on me for saying what I was
obsessing, planning, thinking…… Alot.
Well, I must tell you that divine intervention was at play here. I was really thinking of how I could be merciful and put them out of their misery, but that is frowned upon in our society, though not all, especially when considering the …..Oh, forget it.
No, the true blessing is that the gentleman who moved in is very shepherdly. Maybe a renassaince shepherd? Recently moved to this country, but very well versed in the arts and culture, as well as the cultures of both sheep. A sensitive, culturally diverse and accomplished man, he seemed very patient and kind and even offered to cook for the sheep. That alone makes him a much better man than I. I wouldn’t TOUCH that nasty stove, (and did not for 6 months) but he is more fatherly than I and was willing to take a chance. For that, sir, I salute you…..and wish you luck.
So, rest assured that the nerdy sheep are in better hands with their new roommate, who is more shepherdly than I. As for me, I am in much better, MUCH CLEANER hands. MINE! And now prepare yourselves for the adventures of a 40 something male truly living on his own for the first time ever. No college dorm. No nasty sheep roomies.Just me and my crazy altered mental state. Should be interesting….in many different ways. Now, if I can only find the can opener. I am out of spam. Soup sounds good. Maybe a toaster waffle. Vienna Sausages? The possibilities are mind boggling. Chili? Cereal? Bologna sandwich? OOOH. Scrambled eggs. That’s the ticket!