I used to have a brain.
It wasn’t anything spectacular. It wasn’t an Albert Einstein, Thomas Edison, or Stephen Hawking brain, but it didn’t come from a caveman either. It fit inside my head and generally functioned as it should. It used to control my body pretty well for the most part. I rarely wet my pants or soiled myself after I turned 16. I was generally pretty agile too, except for the time I tripped and fell down the bleachers in front of the entire high school pep rally. I was coming to speak as team captain. Inspirational? Hmmm.
Oh, and there was that time I stumbled across the dining room at a restaurant while staring at a beautiful woman in dazzling cowboy boots. I am nothing, if not subtle. Finally, the term “Dancing Bear” was used to describe my smooth moves in college. Remember my blog about me and the 7th grade dance? Sad, scary times, my friend. Stay Away Boogie Man! My brain was betraying me, even back then.
Aside from the occasional mishap in college where my memory loss was induced by a night of excess, my mind had remained functional for the most part. Until recent years, that is. Of course this excludes waking in the middle of the night to screaming children, pulling all nighters for school and work, and the times I lost my mind and just did some really stupid stuff. Wish I could blame the brain for that. I really wish I could, but I have to take full credit for stupid stuff.
Did I tell you I used to have a brain and it was pretty decent?
What I am concerned about now is that my brain is trying, but things are not happening. Is it just getting careless? I fear it isn’t that at all. No, what I am afraid is happening is that my brain is just getting careless and things aren’t happening. Oops. Excuse me while I clean up this mess I just made. New pants, too.
So, while my body strives to age at warp speed, (excuse me again. Where are those diapers?) my mind floats around like a balloon, landing on certain things and creating a stir then suddenly leaving in the middle of something important, only to float back to that important topic days later when nobody is there to care about it. Who is that inside my head and how did he get here? Did he not get enough supervision from the rest of the body? Did he follow a poor role model? Was my mind abandoned? Not likely, but I think it has abandoned me. Oh wait, here it is. No, that wasn’t it. Was it?
I don’t trip as often now, but I have been known to forget where I am going, stumble and drop things, lose the one word I need to say, and retain absolutely no memory of anything you said about attending the fundraiser for improved dental care for dogs. I promise I would not be going if I knew that’s what I was getting dressed up for. You insist I agreed to it, but I am certain I was going to something else. Really? You’re sure? Well, ok. I guess I like these things after all. Wow. Who knew? Me and doggie dentists for a night of fun and fundraising. Yes!!! NO!!!!!
Did we meet? I am Bagman and I am searching for my mind. I hope you will bring it to me if you find it. I don’t remember things well anymore. I can’t recall a list of more than about three things without writing them down. Oh wait, I can’t read what I wrote. Do you have my glasses? Hi I’m Bagman. I wear glasses? Oh, wait where is the list? Glasses? List? What list? You broke your wrist? Did anyone see my cat?
I think my brain has aged at an accelerated rate compared to rest of me. I am 47 but my brain was about 87 before it tripped coming down the bleachers and now requires a walker. If you could see inside my mind you might understand how absolutely frightening that really is. However, this is not the horror blog, so I will forego that adventure.
Here kitty kitty kitty. Have you seen my cat? He lost my mind and now he broke his wrist, so I need my glasses or I can’t fix it. Here Bagman! I have spam for you! Please come home soon. My mind misses you, or is it the other way around?